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The Struggle Is Real

I was thinking the Struggle is Real ( as my kids say to me)  last night at around 6:00pm when I really wanted a drink, but the drink wasn’t quite what I wanted.  I was feeling itchy, restless, cranky and in these situations I would usually drink as it switched my mood quickly, that would not last long but it would get me out of that feeling.  As I sat there drinking my AF beer, I thought this will pass, do I really want a drink? The feeling did pass within about 2 hours, I had  moved past it.  So what is this feeling I am feeling, boredom, hunger, irritability?  The booze is long out of my system so it is not a physical craving but a desire to change my mood and give me a short lived feel good feeling?   I rode it out but not without temptation, my go to has usually been to drink.  I am there logically with not drinking,  I don’t have any illusions about alcohol, I know is poison for me and it just leads to hangovers, weight gain, wasted hours.  I logically know that moderation is not for me, that one drink doesn’t even touch the sides and awakes in me a strong desire for the next drink and the one after that.  I know that I cannot have one easily so why do I mentally still struggle.  I know that not drinking will bring the other changes I want, weightloss, working out more eating better.  That one change leads to other changes without much effort of struggle…I am not mourning not being a regular drinker, I am long past that.  So why is it still a struggle not to pour poison down my throat?

 

xoxo

TWTIK

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16 thoughts on “The Struggle Is Real

  1. Argh.. the struggle is SO bloody real though! Well done for not giving in. I find eating my dinner kills most cravings. Not that I’m advocating a cross-over addiction into food, it’s just a handy tactic in the short-term 😉 It’s the escape that I miss. That checking-out feeling. Dealing with overwhelm without alcohol is a whole new skill eh! Congrats on making it through a Friday night and a Saturday my dear xx

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    1. Thanks Red, eating dinner does kill a lot of cravings for me too. I tell myself, I will eat dinner and see how I feel, that usually is enough. Dealing with the Overwhelm is totally an entire new skill set, that is for sure!!! I feel so good during the day so much more content which makes it worthwhile 🙂

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  2. It’s a struggle because it has become the coping mechanism for life.
    Without it everything is sharp and prickly and overwhelming for a while…until we learn healthier ways to cope.
    During that hard time I agree with red. Use whatever helps. Cake, coffee, potato chips, bubble baths, massages, yoga.
    Maybe even a little shopping.
    Notice how you are coping, like you noticed your agitation.
    Eventually it makes sense.
    Hugs and love
    Anne

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    1. Thanks Anne, I will do that. I am giving myself freedom to eat what I want but my food desires are actually much easier to control when I am not drinking, I may crave a little more sweet stuff but I don’t crave the heavy carbs like I use too.. Feeling easier today

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  3. If I had a dollar for everytime I asked myself that same question I’d have at least $75000. Despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary I have over and over again bought into the lie/delusion that if I drink tonight, that will be the last time. Having said that and this may or may not be true for you, but, there are also other nights where I know full well the damage it does and that I can’t keep doing it but I consciously choose to drink.
    So there are nights when I will fight good Angel/bad Angel and other nights when self destruction and sabotage rule my thoughts (not sure if that fits well with you)
    I agree with Red and Anne, for now find a go to “cross addiction” and use that as a crutch for the next 90 or 100 days. Even AA advocates cross addiction in the first 90 days with their 90/90 ninety meetings in ninety days. That tells you that in the beginning we all need some go to thing to do when craving hits. Be strong my friend.

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    1. Hey GG,
      When I drink I know if won’t be the last time as I will need a drink or 2 the day after as I will feel like crap! I just want to press the “fuck it ” button and not be so responsible, etc… and zone out with T.V and booze. Now I just try and step back and not be all things to everyone. I find if I do some exercise it gets the restlessness, anxiety out, would that work for you? I didn’t think it would work for me and am actually quite surprised it does.
      You too stay strong :):)
      We got this!!

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  4. I get how you’re feeling. I’ve been feeling that way lately myself. Kind of a small pity party type of mode. Anxious, angry, unhinged around the witching hour. I don’t want to drink, but I want something. So what I have been doing is making a hot cup of tea, or trying a new drink (coconut water and pineapple juice lately). then I tuck myself up on the couch and pull out my Ipad – play games, or read a book (I’ve got at least 5 going at once now – ha!!) The feeling does past but I’ve been thinking I need to do something healthier -like get my butt off the couch and go for a walk with the dog – just get outside. I just made 3 weeks and have decided maybe I need to reassess my tool box as I really, really want this try to be the last one. I also keep reminding myself that I just can’t drink – alcohol and I don’t mix so I am not, not, not going there. No more going down that rabbit hole!!
    Best of luck to you. You are doing great.

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  5. For me, the “itchy, restless, cranky” comes from my physiology. I’ve become exquisitely aware that it’s my body that generates these emotions or sensations and then my mind IMMEDIATELY, lightning fast, sends out a spotlight to figure out what real world things to pin them on. But they’re really just sensations, without a story. For me they’re food sensitivities, and probably a food additive or two. You might consider cutting out the most common culprits and see if the mood stuff dissipates. (You’ll get a good starting list by googling “food sensitivities and mood” (or irritability or anxiety).) For me this stuff is probably what I was medicating in the first place with alcohol…

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  6. I still want to check out, especially when I’m stressed. It’s hard but it gets easier. I think this is where burning the bridges is very helpful. I’ve told everyone close to me so that makes it so I can’t just drink because it will be a massive ‘thing’ . Be patient with yourself you have to relearn how to be in this world and undo years of addictive behaviour. It is going to take time x

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  7. Hey TWTIK. Stay with this things, I think we are in the end of days type thing. Neither one of us is really enjoying it much but we are still struggling to let go. I let myself down last night but I’m set to get back on it today. It just feels ove for me but the last thing to do is remember that every day and stick with it. I hope you are ok and I look forward to reading a post from you in not too long I hope.

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  8. Enjoyed your thoughts on the struggle very much. Especially the understanding that it’s not really the drink, it’s always the thing behind the drink. That’s always a hard one for me. It’s not my anger, it’s what’s behind it. There are always underlying causes for our symptoms, and that’s what we need to treat. Thank you for this post.

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