The Descent

Day 17- yippee, Life seems so much sunnier and more content.  I was never super unhappy when drinking just more like an over all kind of blah.  I was trying to think about how to put it in words how I felt while doing a Spin Class that my daughter dragged me too and here is what I think.

I have had many sober days in 2018, more than I every have before.  I am trying to figure out why I pick up the booze again and go back to drinking.

 

Here is what typically happens.  I am off the booze for a week or two and feel great.  Something compels me to drink and it can be anything, home alone and time to unwind, helping kids with homework, having to deal with my sister-in-law who has come to my son’s birthday, demanded a vegan meal, then ate 2 pieces of the non -vegan chocolate cake while also giving my son a used gift card for a present. ( this has happened at least 3 times ).   I then have a couple of drinks 2 or 3 and feel okay while drinking them, relaxed and in a good mood.  The next day, not a great sleep but not horrible and I don’t feel amazing but the day goes well with maybe a slight greyness creeping into the sun, here and there.

That night, I decide to drink the rest of the open wine and a couple vodkas.  First drink goes down well and then the second one makes me cranky and I want to text my Sister-in -law and tell her how annoying she is, think about this for 1 hour, go to sleep. Sleep is fitful, feel tired and slightly hungover but shake it off in the AM, drink a massive green juice and go to a noon spin class, which goes well.  Finish working for the day and start to feel hungover again and a bit blah. I have a glass of wine cooking dinner then have to pop out for something at work which makes me irritated as I don’t want to go.  I am tired, hungover and have already had a glass of wine. I come home and start to watch Netflix and drink almost a bottle of wine but halfway through drinking I am annoyed with myself for drinking it, my sister in law and anyone that has ever wronged me.  I want to send them an email about how I feel, my mood is pissy not happy buzzy mood.   Go to sleep late and awake at 4:34Am, feel like shit and cannot fall back asleep.  Finally fall back asleep at 7:08am and have to get up at 7:10am.  Now I feel like my blood pressure is high, I drink another massive green juice, feel ok, but not great.  Don’t work out and eat a crappy lunch, after lunch start to go down hill and feel blah, feeling grey all day and the black clouds start to appear.  I need a nap to  get through the day,  nap from 1:30pm to 3:00 pm.  I wake up feeling awful.  I get up, get some work done and decide to go out to dinner as I am feeling like I need a drink to feel better.  Drink 2 large glass of wine, eat, come home and pour another drink and possibly 1 to 2 more.

Go to bed late as I am watching some mindless Netflix show and debate having another drink.  Wake up at 4:34am and cannot sleep again to 7:08am and have to get back up at 7:10am.  Feel terrible, just want to get through the day, black cloud has engulfed me and I don’t have time for a nap.  Decide to go back off the booze and struggle through the day and evening.  Go to sleep, cannot fall asleep, finally get to sleep and get up the next day, tired but not hungover and the sun starts to creep back in..

The point is it is always progressive, the first night back at drinking isn’t bad and the first drink isn’t bad. It is probably what normal drinkers feel and then they stop at one.  But then the descent into the grey and black starts and that is awful.  I also hate the rumination I sometimes get when drinking, so boring and a waste of time.  I can see why people get antagonistic when drinking, I can go there too..

Still feeling tired at Day 17 but feeling good!